Sometimes when life isn’t going well, I have to remind myself of everything that’s happened in the past few decade. I finish college, get married, become a young father. The wife cheats and leaves, and I meet major depression. Somehow, I get a Ph.D. and move to a new city, a new job and start over.

About the only thing that hasn’t happened in the past decade is the death of a loved one.

Should I really expect that things be fantastic again so soon? I ought to be frustrated from time to time. I should expect to be lonely now and then. I lost my wife and friend of seven years. How can I be so numb to all of this loss and change? I have this drive to move on and not let the past hold me down, but I think I take this detachment too far. I ignore the drama in my life because it brings me pain, when I know the only way I can move past it is to process it and feel it, until it leaves me.

I’m tired of grieving. I want to leave it behind. Yet all I see before me is the potential for more pain, more loss. I’m scarred and scared.

today was a little nature dance,
with birds and deer, gnomes and cones
a middle earthen rousing cheer
for a potent Pilsner down the ear
think a little, thought
drink a little, hot
stink a little, rot
sink a little, lot

I’ve been debating gay marriage rights with my uncle on Facebook. He recently replied with a bit about how loving it was of God to create the world for us, and ought we not obey him and his detestation of homosexuality?

Here was my reply (just under the 800 character posted item reply limit!):

“Hi, I’m God. I created this world for you. It’s complex, I admit. There’s pleasure, there’s pain. Your purpose won’t always be clear. But I think it’s pretty cool.

“The thing is, there are some problems. See, some of you will do everything right and die. Some of you will do everything wrong and live. Also, some of you will want to do harmless things, but if you do them, you’ll go to hell, i.e., two men sleeping together. If you’re intersexed, you’re screwed.

“And some of you will do things that will harm lots, and I’ll praise you for it! For example, those gays I mentioned? Don’t treat them the same. I know, they’re not hurting anyone, but it’s just wrong, okay? They deserve to suffer more than you do.

“No, I won’t tell you why, it’s not important. It just is. Look, if you’re having a hard time, it’s not my fault. 

“Oh wait! Yes it is! 

“Look, just follow the rules. If you do, you get eternal happiness. If you don’t, you’re screwed. Good luck!”

This is sadism, not love.

I ranted about grading to my class today (that’s not my class above, that’s Joonhwan Lee’s thesis defense!). My basic argument was that before grading, approximately 150 years ago, we gave detailed, concrete, faceted feedback to students because there was no other way. We didn’t feel compelled to convert all of a student’s skills and knowledge into a single number or a letter grade. And, not only were there wonderful benefits to this form of feedback, but that form of assessment was devoid of all of the problems of a numerical assessment. Students cannot “game” a verbal assessment, but they can game a test. Teachers could spend the time they would normally spend grading paying closer attention to their students’ progress.

The worst part about modern grading is that most employers don’t care. They might use grades as a low-pass filter, to ignore applicants with less than a 2.5, but what they really care about is what a person can do. They want examples of writing, of thinking, of decision making. They don’t want numerical proxies for these, they want to see the results of these skills.

So who cares about grades? Students, faculty, and universities. That’s good news for me, since I’m universities are run by faculty and faculty guide students. Now its just up to me to convince a few thousand colleagues over the next 50 years that I am right.

Grant writing is a curious thing. I spent much of today sifting through comments from a co-PI and student and most of them were about what would “sell” and what would not. When we say sell, we’re talking about rhetoric and argumentation.

So what sells? For one, coherent logical arguments. If an explanation does not follow logically, it will not sell. Logic is a necessary but insufficient condition. Another crucial aspect is the argument space to which an argument leads. This space of arguments can be sparse or dense. For example, if I try to argue that chickens deserve freedom, I’m entering a space of arguments rife with controversy. Someone might say that chickens are not people and only people deserve freedom. Others might make a historical argument and argue that chickens have been bred by humans as food, so they were never intended to have freedom. This is a dense argument space.

If, on the other hand, I argue that chickens deserve feed, we enter a quite sparse argument space. There is no controversy. Everyone will agree that chickens need food. Some might disagree about the form of the food, but they won’t contest with much passion.

What “sells” in a grant are argument spaces that are neither too dense or too sparse. They are arguments that are just controversial enough to be interesting, engaging and risky, but not so controversial that they fail to persuade. A chicken argument that might sell:

Chickens need genetically engineered organic super feed that makes them both healthier, tastier, and environmentally friendly

See how it tugs in multiple directions? It’s facetted. It involves genetic engineering, but also helps humanity. It seems feasible technically, but it’s not immediately obvious how you might do it. It sells because it’s just barely feasible technically and politically.

Now if only it was logical.

My weekend was going to be awesome; now as it’s winding down, it was more mildly entertaining. I put teaching and grants out of my mind and started of with a little prop 8 protesting in volunteer park. I decided to walk from Ravenna, since it was such a nice morning, and on the way a friend apparently almost ran me over. Of course, I didn’t notice: I was in my head, probably thinking about the crunch of the leaves or some other innocuous detail about my surroundings.

The protest was great. There were at least a few thousand people there and lot of good signs. I caught up with my friend and ran in to a few others in the crowd. I eventually made my way back home and off to Kirkland for Elle’s swim meet. She was in two events and did very well in both. Afterwards, I planned on going to a faculty party to chat with colleagues, but it was a bit too late and their party was winding down.

Instead, I went home and watched Malcolm X. It started off with a scene where Malcolm was getting his hair straightened and it seemed awfully familiar. I fast forwarded through the first 45 minutes and realized at some point in the past decade, I’d seen it before. I jumped ahead another hour though and none of it was familiar. When did I have a chance to watch the first third and nothing else? It must have been some late night at a hotel while traveling.

Sunday was a little less engaging. I had grand plans to escape the city with a friend in search of small bakeries and comfort food, but I checked my email this morning around 7 and she’d come down with something unpleasant. Instead, I spent my morning doing laundry, cleaning my bathroom, shopping for a hat and walking in Ravenna park. I watched happy couples play with their kids in the grass and friends practicing tae bo in the park and suddenly felt gravely lonely. Just a few years ago, that was me, with my ex and my daughter. I’d felt so secure, had so much hope. There are some days where I’ve got all the energy in the world to rebuild my life; on others, it seems like an impossible task.

So I came home, listened to some Pink Floyd and Blonde Redhead and drowned myself in “Reinforcement, Reward and Intrinsic Motivation: A Meta-Analysis.” There’s nothing like a far afield journal article to improve my mood!